Beloved

wordpress.

2008-06-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

i'm going to start blogging on wordpress now.
it's a lot easier and a lot cooler than blogger.

http://malloree.wordpress.com

visit me :)

pre-camp.

2008-06-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

tonight... i texted one of my girls that i had last year, and again this year, morgan taylor. told her i loved her and that i was so excited to be her counselor again and to get to experience this week with her. and this was her response:

"aw thanks mal. i am really excited too. i can't wait to hang out with you all week and follow you around, haha. gay i know, but i wanna be just like you girl. so i gotta get my practice in. haha."

and my heart like... seriously sunk into the pit of my stomach and i sat with krissy at starbucks and tried not to cry. i SO needed to hear that, especially lately. if ya'll know morgan, ya'll know that i consider her my "mini-me." she is absolutely like me in every way, except for the fact that she is 16. she has all my good qualities and lacks the bad ones that i possess.

my girls teach me so much. i am hoping to learn more about servanthood this week and what exactly it means to serve without expecting anything in return. i know this is a week for me to lead, but i know it is going to prove to be a week of outrageous change. my prayer for the students and leaders these past few weeks have just been that no one would leave unchanged. fbcw does such a wonderful job with making camp a life changing experience. six piece suit does an amazing job of leading worship, and the counselors make it fun while leading the students to a growing relationship with Christ.

i am only 4 years older than my girls. but when i'm with them, i see how much more life they have to experience. i see the changes they've gone through in the past year since i've had them, and i am so pleased. they are WONDERFUL women seeking after God's hearts, but they are also real. and genuine. and they radiate. i wish i could go back and be like that when i was 16. i have 3 new girls this year, and they seem AWESOME. i met 2 of them this past wednesday and just completely fell in love with them. we are going to have such a good time.

my room-mate this week at camp is the beautiful, hannah watts. and i am so excited to get to share a room with her and get to know each other as friends again. and krissy will be living right next door and possibly sharing a room with us also, haha.

a lot of times i think to myself, "life is hard." but tonight, krissy and i were sitting at starbucks smoking cloves and we just started talking about how wonderful our lives are. even in the crap. we are so immensely blessed. we are getting a FREE trip to the beach for 5 days, with everything paid for, and the whole time, we are getting to do what we are passionate about... raising leaders within the church and impacting students the way that we were all impacted, and investing in their lives. not to mention all the other beautiful things we have. i hope to never be complacent.

right now, 2 days before camp... my heart is not exactly at rest, as i'm trying to find clarity with what i'm doing in the fall, but i still have this peace that i don't really understand. and i am living in that right now. i have high expectations of Jesus this week at camp and i know He is going to change lives. i don't want the kids to leave with a spiritual high as i did so many times in high school... but these kids are different. i pray that it'll be a lasting thing. a genuine and real thing.

OH. and i am ready for orange to kick some major butt. because well... i'm the team leader and i am crazy and oranged out. i bought some amazing stuff at the thrift store today. stay tuned for pictures, videos, and who wins... all from our amazing week in PCB.

i am so hopeful :)

video blog!

2008-06-06T23:24:00.001-07:00

faithful.

2008-06-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

once again, God proves Himself to be faithful in every facet of my life.. even when i am doubting Him. it is crazy.

it helps that i have friends that i can call at 2am to help me and encourage me. in my last post, i wrote that i needed peace. and that was the last thing i had last night when i wrote that. but when i called krissy, she encouraged me and gave me some things to do, because she knows i lose sleep when my heart is not at rest... and so i did them. i slept perfectly, and i woke up this morning feeling a live and radiant and chose not to worry, even when the worst of everything came this morning. i have such a peace about my life. last night was very humbling for me. i was balled up in my bed, bawling crying and just angry and hurting. and i have NEVER done this before- i was laying there and i said, "Jesus... i will choose to praise You right now. in my pain and in my hurt, i know YOU will be glorified. in my suffering, You are sovereign. and i want to praise You for who You are." and just was very humbled by Christ then. it was like this overwhelming sense of peace and Christ's power over my life. it was surreal. and i drifted off and woke up today with that same peace.

...home always has it's downfalls, but it has it's perks too.
i am so lucky to have my best friends and my friends period.

tonight is alyssa's last dance recital... ever. and i am so excited to see her dance. she is a beautiful dancer. and i'm sure i will cry. i am so so proud of her. i feel like all my kids are going off and leaving me, haha. because they are graduating and finishing all these seasons of their lives and preparing for new ones. but i have seen them grow and i am so proud to call them friends, brothers, and sisters. lizzie, alyssa, and lindsay... i am so proud of you girls. i love you 3 so much!

lizzie and lindsay will be joining me at samford in the fall :) perfect.

anyhoo, getting ready to head to woodstock. and krissy will be staying with me until we leave for camp! 2 days baby! woooooo!

the tide is high.

2008-06-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

...but i'm holdin on :)

you know when life is really goin good... then out of nowhere you get a curveball? just like right when you get comfortable, something gets stirred up. i just love that. actually, i hate it more than anything. but i am starting to see that is how my life is. just when i think things are working out, BOOM... the rug gets thrown out from under me and then i have to re-evaluate everything in my life.

so... here is my comfort right now. it's cliche, i know. but still... here it is.

"do not be anxious in anything, but instead in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." phil. 4:6-7

i need the peace of God right now. i need that peace that transcends all understanding. but i am kind of blind to it right now, i guess.

summmmmmer.

2008-06-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

i don't really know where to start this blog because i have so many thoughts, feelings, and emotions running through my brain right now.

i guess i will start off with this weekend.

this weekend, my brother graduated high school. i have never felt so proud of someone, yet so sad at the same time, because taylor completed that milestone of his life.. and no longer was he my baby brother anymore, but he is a high school graduate, about to turn 18, and about to start a new chapter of his life out on his own. i bawled. like... if you saw me at graduation, i was hysterical. that's my little brother, ya know? i've watched him grow up from a little boy to a towering 6'2. and my brother who once thought girls had cooties, now has a beautiful girlfriend that he loves very much, and as much as i tried not to, that i adore just the same. and all of these things are wonderful... but, i am just sad at the fact that that part of his life is over. but so excited for the things that are to come.

i have really just been so content at home. i am thriving here. i am actually growing up. i feel myself making wiser decisions, more selfless decisions, and decisions based on my future instead of the here and now. i am finding that things i always thought to be true, or things that i always thought i believed in, now don't seem to be as important or the right things for my life. this is SUCH a vulnerable place for me to be, but it is such a good place and i am learning a lot.

camp is on monday. i could not be more ready and more excited for this coming week. this is my 2nd FBCW camp, but my like 495845 youth trip as a counselor. i can say, this will be my best memory of the summer, as i know it was last year. i am most alive when i am investing in students and serving in student ministry. i have girls that will be juniors in high school, and they are some of my same girls from last year. they will be an absolute BLAST. it's a week for fun without a doubt, but it is this week that i think and hope they will remember as a week without the worldly things distracting them from Christ. it's my job to kind of bring about the environment and lead them for the week as they begin or continue their journeys with their relationships with Christ. as much as they will be lead this week, it is always my girls that teach me the importance and the meaning of servanthood. i am praying for courage and for strength with them, for patience, for understanding, and for the words to say. i also am leading the orange team this year as i wrote before, and i am just praying for leadership and teamwork among our team! there is just so much to be excited about and so much to get ready for!

i am EXACTLY where i am supposed to be right now.
if you've ever had that peace, you know it is a good thing.

best friend- thank you for being an ever constant source of strength for me, and for being a perfect example of a friend and of Jesus's love :)

i will write again soon... i was just bored and wanted to write!

time.

2008-05-29T23:04:00.001-07:00

i am never the slow, patient one. i am always the impulsive, fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. but i am slowly trying to transition from the latter to the former. i am trying to seek out answers to my questions instead of just assuming and following my gut or my heart. i am trying to make wiser decisions... while also probably doing a poor job, even still.

i get frustrated with life about once a week. tonight is that time.

i need to know that i am capable of making a wise decision. a carefully thought out, well considered decision. i need to know that that is possible for me. i need to know that i am not just an impulsive, fast paced human being. i need to know that i can slow down and take things in for what they are instead of just passing through life's choices and decisions with ease, not considering the effect they might have.

i guess sometimes i want to make adult decisions without being an adult so much.
does that make sense?
probably not.

time is the healer of all things. this i am finding to be true for sure.

i'm being stretched a lot this summer, and i am so glad.

we found out our colors for camp. and i am on the ORANGE team. i am the ORANGE team leader this year with an awesome man named isaac. so we will be dominating. ORANGE won last year, so i am hoping we will keep the tradition alive. i am ready for that week. and i have my same girls from last year. so that will be awesome. i am just really looking forward to being stretched at camp. it's literally the most exhausting week of my entire life... even moreso than finals. holy shat.

life really isn't bad at all. i'm just in a pissy mood and there are things about myself that i wish i could change, and when i can't change them... i get mad. so, this is usually the result. a blog that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me.

life really is good.

:)

2008-05-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

life is SO GOOD. like seriously... so good.

i have been spending a lot of time with friends and fam. but also a lot of time by myself, and that is SO vital. especially for me. i've also been working a lot... and can officially say for the first time in my life that i am, "ballin." haha. not really, but kinda.

camp is in 2 weeks. it is my favorite experience of the summer. not only is it so lifechanging for the campers... but also for us counselors. we get to learn what it's like to serve for an entire week without getting poured into in return. it's an exhausting week, but last year it proved to be such a fruitful experience. PLUS... i am getting the same amazing girls that i had last year, and we absolutely had a blast. so i am so looking forward to investing in them again and having so much fun with their precious and silly personalities. not to mention, me, krissy, hannah, paul, kyle, brian, joe, nathan, brink, trace, and chris will all be there as counselors or with the band. so that will just be AWESOME.

my brother is graduating this weekend and i am just amazed that the time has finally come for that. i feel like i just graduated and how he is about to be 18 and going to be out on his own. i am so protective over my brother and it's going to be hard to just let him go and allow him to make mistakes and choices. but he's a cool kid... and i'm excited for whatever route he takes.

life is just good. i can say that and mean it. it's just simply good. and i am so okay with that :)

it's 341am... so i'll write deeper things when i can actually function.

truth.

2008-05-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

truth be told...

what the heck am i doing with my life? not in a negative way, but seriously. what am i doing? what am i going to do? is my degree even going to be useful? will i be stuck at a desk for 10 hours a day, or will i be doing something that i love? will i be able to support myself? will i be stable?

i worry so much about money. i guess that's because i've been for the majority, financially independent since high school. okay, my parents pay my insurance and for my school... but i pay, and have always since high school, paid for everything else, unless my parents decide to treat me to something, which they often do. but i feel like there is always something i need to buy, give to, make payments on, etc. for once i would like to just HAVE money and not spend it. i hate money. it just causes problems. i think probably every fight my mom and i get in is over money. whhhyyyyyyyy? i just want to be able to support myself. i've already accepted the fact that i might not have a lot on my own, and in a way it's very humbling. but still... i'd like to be able to support myself if i'm single for awhile after i graduate.

but i got an awesome job... waitressing actually pays really well. i was very blessed to find this job so quickly after being home. and with working full time, (40+ hours per week), i should be able to get rid of my credit card debt, get a new computer, and save some for the fall. and waitressing is FUN! i'm sure there'll be days i hate it, but my first day was great and i caught on quickly. and my co-workers were very helpful... they're all in college or recently graduated, so they're all really cool and fun.

on a more serious note...

i feel the Lord drawing me back to Him. i was running for so long. for this entire semester. so that's what like... 4 months? january until may? i just feel His gentle tugging on my heart. i am losing my pride. losing myself. gaining humility. gaining strength. and i am overwhelmed with grace. it really is overwhelming. awesome, yes. but extremely overwhelming and powerful. i am learning a lot about loving people. i still am really bad at it, but i'm improving.. and trying. beth moore speaks right to my heart. haha, i love her and the journal i've been doing with her.

in the journal, it talks about perfect love.. God's perfect love. and how we need not fear it, but delight in it and take joy in it. and how it is impossible for us to love others if we do not accept God's love for us, which in turn helps us to love ourselves. i don't know about you... but this is probably one of the more harder things about believing in Christ. accepting a kind of love that is so foreign to our simple minds and our human tendencies. i reject it because i am not used to it... and in turn, i can't pour that love onto others because i'm not receiving it. i realized that i run scared from God. i do it all the time. everyday. no wonder i have such a hard time committing to someone. or having compassion. i am running from the very thing that enables me to love... AND so anyway... she was talking about some different verses to remind us of Christ's love for us... and she listed a few and then she listed: "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."...and i was so stunned by this because i'd NEVER thought about this verse in relation to love. i always considered it for like... conquering some kind of task or like a breakthrough in a time of need... but never in relation to loving God, loving people, and loving myself. so i thought about that... and that's where i'm at right now. learning to love people and have the overflow of my heart to others be that which comes from God pouring into me and me accepting the challenge.

i know because of my actions in the last few months, people might read this and think i'm a hypocrite... or fake.. or whatever. and that's fine. i probably deserve that. but i am home and the clarity that i always find when i'm here has made me see.. AGAIN.. that i am a wreck and completely lost with Jesus. i am absolutely desperate. i feel like the very life of me was sucked out of me for the past few months.. and that happens every so often in different seasons. but i can feel my life being breathed back into me, as Jesus is calling out to me and drawing me back to Him. i'm very humbled and thankful.

i knew there was a reason that i didn't get bigstuf. i am actually very thankful for it now. i was very angry for awhile and very confused... BUT. i do have a lot of debt and i do have things to do. and i wasn't where i needed to be spiritually to feed into kids this summer the way that i should be able to. SO. i am home... working, growing, seeking, and hopefully finding.

i want to be transparent and vulnerable. i want to be genuine and real. i want to be raw and bold. i want people to look at me and see Jesus through my struggles. i feel like that's the point of all of our struggles and our crap. is so that God can shine through and show us that once again, He is victorious. i don't want people to think i'm striving for perfection. that's not it at all. holy cow, i am so imperfect that it is terrible. but... i don't have to be. and that's the comforting thing with my friends that know and love me, and with Jesus.

so... anyway. random, i know. but it's on my heart.
i am watching jackass and it is so stupid. but funny. wish i could get away with some of this stuff.
my back hurts and i have work in the morning. and fbcw tomorrow :) yay!

that's all i got. looooove.

summer plans

2008-05-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

so i have decided NOT to take my summer spanish 102 class that i was planning on taking at KSU. reason being, my class was tues/thurs from 2:00-4:45... well, i already am going to have to take off work for wednesday nights for fbcw, but working the lunchtime shift on wednesdays. and then TTH- i would have to miss lunch and dinner shifts because i wouldn't get back to alpharetta from kennesaw for probably 2 hours because of traffic. so that'd be 3 days of work off in a row, and 3 trips to kennesaw per week, and i can't afford either one of those. so hopefully, i won't be behind come fall semester with school and such. that just means we have some janterms in there for the next 2 years. i need a break anyway. i have been on cognitive overload.

so, because i am getting a little in the fall, need to pay off my credit card, and am looking into a new computer... i will be working full-time, 7 days a week, as a waitress and behind the bar at american wing co. i am really excited. it's this really cute hole in the wall restaurant and it is always busy... so i am really pumped. i've not done anything other than coffee shops for the past 3 years, so i'm anxious to try something new. my first day is tomorrow at 4pm. i start training :) yay!

this summer holds much promise. i am ready.

brags.

2008-05-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just need to brag on my INCREDIBLE friends for a minute...
all of them: kris, mer, mck, jake, paul, brian, joe, kyle, trevor, brink, nathan, lizzie, lys, etc... all you people from home... if i didn't list you, i'm sorry, you're in there too!

...I really and truly have THE MOST wonderful friends in the world. they are constantly encouraging and uplifting. we know each other's flaws and weaknesses and love each other despite those things. they are always challenging me, whether they mean to or not. and I am just so thankful that I have a support system that I can come home to after months of being away at school, and we can be together as though the months in between didn't happen. This is where my heart is. You guys are my heart. I have a mere glimpse of the Kingdom through all of you. There aren't friends like us. I am sure of it.

Mer is going to Zambia. Mary Catherine is going to NYC. and Trevor is going to Australia... sad days that my friends are leaving. but what awesome adventures they're getting to go on! and the band boys are in and out of town all summer. I am so proud of them, but so sad they won't be around a lot this summer. BUT, there is much to do.... work and summer school. camp. fbcw. babysitting. hanging out with the fam. bonfires and cookouts when they all come home :) so much fun.

random blog... I know, but I had a great night with all of my friends and I needed to get out how great I think they are. But this doesn't even do it justice.

ahhhh!!!

2008-05-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

that is how i feel currently. i pulled an all-nighter last night. and i think i am about to pull my 2nd one. i have to be up in 5 hours, but i need to study. blehhhhh.

my final tomorrow is for christian ethics. it's a fascinating class, but there's so much information, it's so subjective, and my teacher actually wrote this book, so like... there's no getting it wrong. and i have done okay on the last 2 tests, but i really need this to go smoothly. we have a review sesh at 8am. and the final is at 1030.

oh well, atleast stats and abnormal psych are out of the way. i made an 85 on my last stats test. praise the Lord. that's the best math grade i've gotten on a test this semester. i think i made an 87 or an 89 last semester. but, the best news is, I AM DONE WITH MATH FOREVER!!! that's the best feeling in the world. well, maybe not, but it's for sure up there. i'm glad to have my 2 hardest finals done. and my 3rd hardest is tomorrow. i have a dead day wednesday because my soccer class does not have a final. and marriage and the fam is on thursday. and then I AM HOME. praise the Lord.

friday when i get home, krissy and i are going to see paramore! wooooo! i am really excited. i'm actually babysitting and the mom bought me and the girl, emily, tickets to the show, and i am getting paid. works for me :)

i am rambling, but i needed a study break. i think i have decided to go to bed and just review after the study session in the morning. my brain cannot function and i am going to crash tomorrow. it's supposed to thunderstorm on wednesday and i am going to get to sleep in, alllllll day. that might actually be the best feeling in the world.

i miss my best friend and i need her to hug me! krissy! hug me! haha. i know she reads this, so i had to shout out to her.

life is good, stressful and exhausting, but good.
i am so thrilled to see what Jesus has in store for me this summer at home.
so so so so so thrilled and anxious and excited.

be blessed :)

ready.

2008-05-10T15:08:00.000-07:00

i am so so so so so ready to go home for the summer.
i can't wait to get a job, to hang out with my friends, go to concerts, go to fbcw camp, go to the pool, to the beach, and take my summer class.

i am just worn out right now. but i am so good. i like this kind of exhaustion. exhaustion because of productivity, because of hard work, because i've been going and going and going. i'm okay with this kind of being tired... except that i always get sick, which is where we're at now.

i miss home. but samford is the other half of my heart and i'm going to miss it so much while i'm gone. but it will be good to get away for awhile. i can't believe in 5 days, i'm a junior in college. that's so weird to me.

mary catherine and meredith are leaving krissy and me for the summer. mary catherine is going to connecticut to intern with vineyard vines which is AWESOME. and meredith is going to zambia from end of may until my birthday. whihc is INCREDIBLE. i am so so so proud of my girls, but i'm going to miss them so much :(

but that leaves krissy and i this summer. and i am totally okay with that :)

i am so so so excited to work this summer. i haven't worked since march and it is KILLING me. i need a new computer and i'm getting a little in the fall, so i need to be buying her things for big/little and initiation in the fall.

so what is really going on with me?
well...

i cried the other day. ME! I CRIED! i was so excited about it because #1, i can't tell you the last time i cried and like, really cried. and #2 because well, i just don't cry anymore. haven't really since high school. and #3 it was so healing and refreshing.

that really has nothing to do with anything how i am currently, BUT, i was pretty excited about it.

currently, i am really stressed. really trying to be single and love it. (haha, it's true) i do love it. but all my friends are in love and i'm like the only single one. but that's okay... i am really enjoying it, actually. alot of my friends are also engaged or married, and so while that might be discouraging at times, it also gives me hope. i am torn between heart and mind. and that is always a hard spot to be in. i am torn between spirit and nature. i have my 2 hardest finals on monday, which SUCKS. my roomie and i are only roomies for 6 more days, and that is really upsetting. i haven't journaled or spent time with Jesus in awhile, and well, that's self explanatory on how my well being is. i don't know what i am doing with my life as far as a career goes. i have so many things i want to do and so many things i am passionate about, BUT... i can't narrow it down to one thing, and it's time to start thinking about it. i'm not ready to be an "adult" yet.

school.

2008-04-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

i am SO OVER school.
i have a test friday. i have a 10-12 page paper due next wednesday. a 5-10 page paper due on thursday. all of my psych extra credit due on wednesday. and then my finals and the rest of my extra credit the following week.

i am not stressed surprisingly, though. which is good. i'm trying to pace myself and stay calm and rested and what not. i'm doing a good job so far, but it's on tuesday :)

i'm so ready to be done with school and be at home with my family and my best friends. i'm ready for camp. i'm ready for the beach. i'm ready for chili's and kani house with the gang... and fbcw. and working. ahhh and all the lovely things that come along with summer.

samford is sucking the life out of me right now.

my weekend at home.

2008-04-19T22:42:00.001-07:00

so... i have spent my weekend at home. and it has been lovely, as all of my weekends at home are.
but this weekend specifically was really special. friday i spent my night with most of my closest friends and got to go to a show of a band a couple of my friends play in.. and spend the rest of the night waiting at mick's and playing rock band and smoking cloves at kyle's. all night i just kept thinking how my heart belonged there.... and then today, i spent all day with my mom and sister. my brother is a senior in high school and today was his senior prom. we went to take pictures, and a lot of my friends from high school were there. i felt SO OLD. it was so weird. some of the girls even went in my prom group when i was a junior and they were freshman. it was a weird feeling. especially being around people i hadn't seen in 2-3 years. i felt like i hadn't grown up at all being there... like i had made no progress. and i think it gave the feeling of "home" a bad name. it just made me feel like i was the same girl i was in high school. and that is just simply not true. i spent the rest of the night with britni for her birthday :) and we went to atlanta with some of our friends and just had a really good time. i came home and am now waiting until it's 2am so i can go pick my brother up from an after-prom party.

saying all that... what i have come down to is that "home" is not a place for me. it's a feeling i get. it's a peace. i wasn't at all comforted today by being in douglasville and being around people from my past, who knew who i was and don't know me now. the times i feel most at home are when i am with the people who know ME. who knew me, and have chosen to accept the lifestyle changes that i have made, and my relationship with Christ. those who know my heart and my struggles and choose to love me anyway. THAT'S when my heart is most at peace. and that is when i am reminded of who i am... i love being "home." my home is found in my family... in krissy, holly, meredith, mary catherine, paul, brian, clay, jake, etc. and i am SO thankful for that.

i cannot even begin to explain all that has been happening the past couple weeks. i've been thrown for a whirlwind and it has been SO GOOD. i am learning so so so much. and everything keeps happening at the most appropriate times and the weirdest things have been happening. all i can conclude is that the Lord is teaching me a lot right now. and i am trying to be obedient and listen and follow, but i am really terrible at it. but nonetheless, He is working on me. i feel like i write that in every blog, but i am so glad that i am always being taught and tested. i think the moment i wasn't feeling challenged or not asking questions, that would be a scary day. that would mean i didn't need Jesus. and that will never come a day.

i'm becoming desperate for Him. where i crave His presence. reading His word or reading about Him. but then my nature battles my spirit and sometimes my nature wins. i hate that, BUT... i am pressing on :) i am really growing and seeking. i like it. my heart feels at rest. and it hasn't felt at rest in a LONG time.

dream sweet, my loves :)

vulnerability.

2008-04-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

so lately.... i have been mega struggling with life in general, but then again, welcome to my life. my struggles aren't physical things as much as they are internal and mental. i am always battling my human nature and my spirit and it's a constant back and forth of emotions and impulses.

but really what i think i am working on now is loving people. i have started reading a lot and writing in a new journal specifically for this purpose. i can't love people because i do it out of duty, not because Christ loved me and that it's the overflow of His love pouring from my heart into others. i am one of the most selfish human beings in the world and if you are around me for more than 10 minutes, you probably know that because i talk about myself a lot. not intentionally, not cocky, but always have MY own opinion or well if that was ME, i would do this. or OH MY GOSH, this one time... trying to one up everyone. it's not on purpose, it's just my default setting for conversations.

i have a hard time loving people. wholeheartedly. unconditionally. and of course i can't do this because i am a human and i will ultimately have faults in the way that i love. but i need to love in the same way that Jesus loves. the nonjudgmental, ever constant love that He so graciously gives us when we are so undeserving. honestly, i am so terrified to love. to be vulnerable. to let someone know me... know my secrets, my hurts, my pains, my dreams.. out of fear of rejection, which has been the pattern in my life. i'm scared to get close to someone to where they have enough power to hurt me.

what bothers me is that i used to not be this way. with growing up came new challenges, new experiences, which resulted in my trust and committment issues. i will say this with full confidence. satan has tried everything in his power to rob me of my ability to love and be loved. i don't accept love well. i don't love well.

our series at my church lately has been all about how culture has redefined sex. and how God actually created it. and how much satan has destroyed our mindsets, tempted us and we have given in.... but also too, how we can be restored through Christ. and it has just been a really hopeful time for me, the sinner, the messer upper, the girl who's given it all away in the past. i'm also re-reading Redeeming Love, and reading a new book by erwin mcmanus called "Soul Cravings" and it talks about our craving for intimacy, meaning, and destiny. i'm still in intimacy, and it is teaching me a lot.

i am kind of just letting the Lord love on me. really trying to accept Him for who He is, what He's done, how He loves me and sees me, and maybe, just maybe, that love will start to pour out on others due to the overflow in my heart.

i'm ready to be vulnerable. i want everyone to see me and know me for who i really am.

springtime.

2008-04-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

okay... so an update on my life...

some people have asked me to update, so i am in my few extra minutes before i go to dinner with my new roomie for next year for her birthday! happy 20th lauren :)

i was struggling there for a little while, but spring break and going home brought some clarification, as i knew it would. i am still working on loving myself for who i am. i'm still working on accepting Christ's love for me and trying to see myself the way He sees me. working on are the 2 key words here. i'm also working on not worrying what other people say about me, which i haven't really dealt with since high school. but there are a couple girls who make up things, which is fine. samford is a small school and small news is big news here. so i am dealing with that, but not really.

i have an amazing new man in my life. yes he is a man, haha he is 22, almost 23. graduated from samford last year. his name is larry and he's just fabulous. a lot of guys claim to be spiritual leaders and what not, but when the occasion arises for them to step up, they run away. well larry IS a spiritual leader. and a man of God. i saw him around mid february for the first time when he came to speak at our zeta chapter, and he prayed over us, and i was just absolutely enamored with him. haha. so our relationship progressed from there. little did i know he was just as equally intrigued by me. so i'll save you some details, and just tell you that he is absolutely wonderful and i feel very fortunate to have him :) he sent me tulips today because i was stressed out with school with a card that said, "just because." love that :)

we are about to start derby days with sigma chi next week. so that is exciting! i can't wait for that. i am going to pi kapp formal with jake in may, so i am looking forward to that too. and we have some zeta stuff coming up. i am ready for school to be done. i'll be taking summer classes at KSU. which is really good because i am going to have to finish catching up this year. i can't believe i'm about to be a junior in college. that seems so strange. my roomie will be a senior and i can't believe she's graduating in one year! i am sad she is moving off campus next year :(

life is still a tad stressful... but i am having a blast. we had 2 white candles this past week. (for those of you not in sororities or fraternities, that means 2 of our girls got engaged!) so that is really exciting! and my friends ty and megan are getting married on saturday, so i'm going home for that. i am not lying when i say how uber excited i am about that!! school is still hard, imagine that. i spent 3 days studying for my abnormal psychology test, and i have absolutely no idea how i did on it. i took it this morning.

anyhoo... we're about to go to dinner, church, and a late movie for lauren's birthday. i probably won't be updating too much, as this semester's closing out soon and i'm about to be BUSY.

love ya'll.

OH, and buy the new Dave Barnes CD! It is FAB! i'm going to see him on april 9th! yay!

rollercoaster ride.

2008-03-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

so this semester has been nothing but a rollercoaster for me thus far.

things i thought i was destined to do, things i felt i was meant for.. didn't happen. school is tough. work sucks. i am struggling.

i am struggling because i miss home.. and haven't been back yet since january 25th. i miss my friends, my family, my support system. i have an INCREDIBLE one here.. and the biggest blessing of my life has been my room-mate tori. but i just miss the people who really know me on an intimate level.

i am starting to feel less and less like myself everyday. i don't know if it's bad though, because everyday i am finding myself. and i thought i found myself a long time ago, but i guess now that i keep getting older and keep experiencing things that i haven't yet before, making mistakes, learning and doing the best i can.

but nonetheless, i am struggling. i'm not okay with it this time... but i'm kind of in a dry season. i'm a little discouraged and disheartened. i miss myself i guess. maybe once i get to go home and be reminded of who i really am, i'll be better. but i'm growing up a lot this semester... i'm sure it will prove to be a fruitful season of my life, as it always is, even in my blind faith. i am trusting the Lord. and He is loving and pursuing me, in my doubt, in my ridiculous amount of sin, and in my unfaithfulness to Him. i feel it.

my best friend is happy :) and that in itself makes me happy. this is the kind of happiness i know she deserves and that i have always wanted for her. i know unconditional love and friendship because i can be happy for her happiness, and i feel her heart when it's happy. it brings lots of joy.

my big is my best encourager here at school. it amazes me how alike we are, and how the Lord uses us in eachothers lives... all the time. everyday. we've both been struggling, and have been a constant reminder to eachother of God's faithfulness. the other night, she was crying and really upset... and she said she was on her knees, begging for God to bring her peace... and i walked in her room. i felt so unworthy but yet so privileged to have been that for her.

i just wanted to update. yes, i'm struggling, but i have come to the conclusion that i probably will everyday for the rest of my life. and i am okay with that, because it keeps me growing, and keeps me new.

"you take an ordinary day and turn it into flowers like the month of may.. yes you do, and you see all my pain and cry over it for hours til i'm new again.. you make me new."

i am so thankful for the renewing of my heart, spirit, and mind through Jesus.

spring break starts next saturday... can't wait to be in destin with my girls :)

if i have time, i'll try to update more frequently.

love you.

would you want me when i'm not myself?

2008-02-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

ahhhh i have been so sick and i am finally better.

this whole week and a little of last week, i have not felt like myself. i've had bronchitis. it's sucked. and i got my roomie sick. and i have just been so grouchy! so i am almost better, today was my last day of anti-biotics and hopefully i will be cough and congestion free tomorrow.

we finished our stepsing show, like learning it.. and we have tomorrow and sunday to perfect it before our first dress rehearsal on monday. and then we have another one on wednesday.. and thurs, fri, and sat are the actual shows! i am SO EXCITED.

i miss home... i am so glad my friends are coming here for the show. and my family. i won't get to go home until easter weekend.. because i have something every weekend before then. so this will be a looooong semester at samford :)

i am still UNpatiently awaiting to see how i'm going to be spending my summer... i want to know SO BAD. we find out on march 3rd... so i am just praying and hoping that that's God's will for me. and if not, then i am excited to see what i will be doing.

i'm pooped. i think i'm going to go take a nap :)
continue to pray if you read this.
looooooooove.

back to school :)

2008-02-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

sooo i am back into the swing of samford life, which if you go here, you know it is it's own world, and i am so glad to be back to the other half of my heart, the other part of me that feels like this is home. but the other half of my heart is back in ol' atl :) with my family and my girls and i am missing them terribly.

since we've been back, we've started stepsing practice. and i may be a little biased, but zeta's stepsing show is A-MAZING. i cannot wait for it to be revealed to everyone. my friends and fam and david are coming to watch! it's going to be outrageous. we are working everyday except for fridays on our show. and it's just... i can't even talk about it without getting chills and getting so excited!

life is back to being busy and a little stressed, but so good. i love being here.

"let the redeemed of the Lord say this-- God brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love." psalm 107:2, 14-15

bigstuf :)

2008-01-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

just wanted to ask everyone who reads this to say a little prayer for me.

i had an interview with bigstuf this afternoon at 3... but they had a little emergency, so now it's rescheduled for friday at maybe 5? i'm waiting on the e-mail back!

so yes! i have an interview. pray that God speaks through me, that i have confidence, and that i can be entirely myself and that God will calm my nerves and my fears :)

thanks... love you!

encouraged.

2008-01-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

i am so encouraged today :)
i woke up with a super encouraging phone call from amber.. and then got really sweet texts from david, precious messages from my big and from merbaby! and the day has just been overall wonderful, eventhough it's barely begun!

i have an interview with bigstuf on either monday or wednesday! i am so excited! i am waiting to hear back from leah to see which day it will be. ahhhh! so so so pumped! i cannot wait! please continue to pray for me during this time, that if this is what God's choosing for me to do this summer, that my heart and mind be prepared and that i be obedient to His will for my life!

i am so ready to head back to school. we start stepsing when we get back, and i absolutely cannot wait!
to my beautiful friends that asked: STEPSING TICKETS GO ON SALE JANUARY 28TH AT 7AM!

and i miss my big. a lot. and kels. and my roomie. and all my zeta girls. and i am so pumped about living in the zeta house! we are going to have an absolute blast.

so now that the time is coming where i will be heading back to school from janterm, i remember writing right after i got home that i really wanted to take this time to seek Christ, work, and just stop worrying about things. well i was telling amber this morning how intensely God has worked on my heart since i have been home.

I feel like a new person with a new heart. if you know me well, you know that i have always struggled with having compassion, especially for people that i didn't like. and that forgiveness was something that plagued me, because i could never seem to accomplish it. and that satan robbed me of my precious joy so much, and then i couldn't seem to find joy on most days.

my heart is new. it is healed. from baggage. from the past. it was something that i wanted to break free from when i was home. and i did it!! i feel like crying because of this new life that i've found. i feel like a new creation in Christ. things that once haunted me are gone. i have seen God renew me and redeem me since i've been home, not that He hasn't always, because He has. but this has been the biggest restoration process with Christ that i have been through. i feel so much more alive and free and satan has no hold on me anymore. there are no more chains on my feet, no more baggage and weight to keep me from moving forward.

i have learned to love myself, officially. i am seeing myself how Christ sees me. as His sunshine, His delight, His beloved. and holy cow... He is letting me feel how it feels to be loved so intimately and so intensely through the way that others love me and the way that He perfectly orchestrates everything for His glory.

i have seen a glimpse of the Kingdom in my own life. i have a transformed heart and a renewed mind and a newfound strength that i have never had. and an irreplaceable joy.

my prayer is that everyone can experience the change i have undergone in the last month and a half. actually, it's gone on for about 2-3 years now, but i finally surrendered it to Him, and now i am free!

i love everyone :)

sunshine again.

2008-01-15T11:56:00.001-08:00

okay... edit edit edit.
i went back and read previous blogs from the one i write in for the public and then my private one to Jesus...

and i think i needed this today and lately, and i haven't read it in a long time. if you're close to me, then you know my Sunshine story. and if you don't then ask me about it and i'll tell you. because it's pretty much when Christ made me bold and see myself as He sees me.

this is an exerpt from a post i made in march of 2007.

"God has given me a new name, a name that is so perfectly and wondrously opposite of the lie that had controlled so much of my life. And He is healing my heart. A year ago, a wise woman whom I deeply respect was praying for me. She heard God call me, "My sunshine and my delight." Really...really? My heart responded, 'Sunshine? Not darkness? Not object of my contempt? This was so precious to me, beyond my wildest hopes for who I was to my God, that I kept it to myself. Over the next several months, two friends wrote to me completely independent of one another, and in their letters, they both described that I was like "sunshine" in their lives. Still, I kept this in my heart. Then my dear friend began to call me, "Sunshine."I could barely believe it! And finally, a dear friend saw a painting of a young girl and instantly recognized my face in it. The young girl had a look of confidence and mischief, and utter security in who she was and to whom she belonged. The name of the painting was "Jessica of the Sunlight Ranch."

God was calling to me--- God was calling to me to believe that I was "His sunshine and His delight." Calling me to believe that there was something beautiful and valiant that He'd placed deep within me that my husband, my friends, and that this world needs. Calling me to believe that the effect of my life is "goodness and light and life.";not darkness, contempt, and irritation. And so I've started offering my heart. I've started saying no to the voice of the enemy that calls me to fearfully tone down, edit, control my words and my actions for fear of "offending" or bringing rejection and shame. Instead, I've been stepping out. I've been sharing what I see of my God and in my friends. I've chosen to offer my presence, my heart, and my love, instead of trying endlessly to figure out what else I should offer. I've chosen to believe that I am loved and safe with my God."

this is from the book "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge.

it pretty much saved my heart. thank You, Jesus. i needed to be reminded of this today. and lately.

faith.

2008-01-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

so i am a tad bit discouraged. if i receive the big stuf internship (pray to God) i have to raise, i think it is $2200. for the whole summer, which isn’t bad at all. and so i have the mentality like, “no big deal. if i get it, then God definitely wants me there, and it’ll all work out.” well my mother, is not so sure. she told me today that she didn’t think i could pull off raising that amount of money and told me not to count on her or my grandparents helping me out. basically, my grandparents don’t want to help because if the internships are like they were the previous years, they take a trip to africa for 2 weeks before camp starts. they think it’s too dangerous and they won’t help support it financially. so i guess it’s a bit discouraging when your family, your main support system, isn’t supporting you.

so… if i were chosen for the internship, which i hope with all my heart that i am, i am going to need intense prayer for the monetary issues. i think that’s what i am always asking God to help me with. like with samford… the money wasn’t there, but i knew God was calling me there, and it came in. so i have no reason not to believe that if He wants me there and i do my part, that God will provide. if i want something badly enough, if i believe in myself enough and God working through me, and if i KNOW that God has called me somewhere or to do something, you best believe that i will do whatever it takes to accomplish that.

i just need a little encouragement :o) so if you ever read this and think about it… please just pray that i be encouraged and that if i get the internship, that this all works out. and i guess pray for God’s will for my life too. that’d be stellar.

”with man it is impossible, but not with God. all things are possible for God.” mark 10:27

“the Lord is good. a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him.” nahum 1:7

i choose to have faith that it’s all going to work out as it’s supossed to.

ohhh life.

2008-01-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

Oh me. I have been working my tail off for the past few weeks and I am exhausted! I know everyone makes fun of me for my intense obsession to One Tree Hill and what not. But I was searching quotes today, for this one specifically that I love and want to use at my wedding.. (which is a secret!) and I found a lot of them that I love and I realized how much I love this show. (plus I love it so I can live vicariously through their drama because it is so intense!)

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

"Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."

"...and once you lose yourself you have two choices... Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. the person you wanted to be. the person you are."

anyway. I guess I really love these. The first two because I always find myself letting my past moments and experiences haunt me and define me. I always feel like I am waiting on my life to start, and not enjoying what has already started. I am trying to just live in the right now, let go of the past, and stop worrying about the future. it's just so much easier said than done.

I have been really humbled lately. I guess that is a continuous thing with me. I feel like I am always learning things about myself, things I don't like and things I wish I could change. Things that I have always looked at as my stronger qualities, are now my stumbling blocks. I wish I wasn't so domineering. I have a personality that demands attention. I am loud and outgoing and I can overtake a conversation or a situation without meaning to. I used to like these things about myself but all of last year and into this one, those things just really bother me about myself. I would love to have it said, "she has such a kind, sweet, gentle spirit." instead it's probably, "why doesn't she ever shut up?" but then again, i know that i'm a lot harder on myself than anyone else. and regardless, I know that I'm loved. but still, i guess there's always things about yourself that you wish you could change.

I want to be more. I want to be different. I know that I undermine myself sometimes, and my ability to change things or to make a difference. Krissy sent me a text the other day, and it just really made me feel so important and needed. it said something like, "I love you today. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't ever feel like Jesus doesn't use you in my life. You are my heart." and that just made me feel so significant in her life.

I guess I just want to matter. To someone. anyone.
I want to have significance in someones life.
I want God to use me to bring them closer to Him.
I want someone to need me.

2007.

2008-01-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

So... now for a more serious blog, but not too serious, since I am trying not to take myself too seriously :)

I feel really good about 2008. It's crazy how much has changed since 2007 started... I was dating Ben when that year started. And we broke up shortly after. That whole experience changed me a lot, mostly out of pain, but I overcame it. Then came so many new relationships, new experiences, and new places... like Samford.

I just can't believe all that has happened, how much I have changed, and how the situation has turned around.

I'm going to copy Nathan and write the best things about 2007.

-BEST THINGS OF 2007-

1. Ski trip with Northstar
2. Meeting Nathan and all our Daily Grind experiences
3. Daily Grind. period.
4. Meeting Krissy, Brink, Chris, Alyssa, Meredith, Paul, Joe, Brian, Liz, Jenn, Bassist, Trevor, Jake, etc.
5. Getting into Samford.
6. Spring Break with Hoop, Holz, and Kait
7. Trip to Samford with Nathan, Brink, and Mer
8. All the Dave Barnes and Matt Wertz shows
9. Working with TWLOHA at Warped Tour
10. 4th of July lake trip
11. FBCW Church Camp- BLAST!!!
12. All our "fam" outtings
13. Moving to Samford
14. Pledging Zeta Tau Alpha
15. meeting my sisters :)
16. moving into the zta house
17. all the dates I went on with my girls to RuSan's
18. Family Nights with Justin, Stacey, Amber, and Natalie
19. PCB with my family
20. Getting to know Alex
21. 722 Tuesdays and FBCW Wednesdays

and I'm sure so many other things... but those were the highlights.

I can't wait to progress forth with this year... but I am trying to be satisfied in the here and now. I have let go of a lot of things and some people recently, and I feel so free... and so much alive.

I have decided to finally apply for the summer internship with Big Stuf. It's something I've wanted to do for 2 summers... and never get the nerve to actually send in my application. SO... I am officially doing it after much prayer and thoughtful consideration. I feel as though I would be perfect for this position and I hope that Big Stuf thinks so too. So... if you know me, you know this is something I really want to do, so if you think to, please please please pray for this.

I'm going to see Sweeney Todd tonight with Clay, Mer, and Wade! Hooray!

blessings :)

my resolutions

2008-01-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

my new years resolutions for 2007...

1. NO MORE SOFT DRINKS. especially dark colored ones.
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise regularly (i am hesitant to put this on here, because i know that i probably won't do it)
4. Make atleast a 3.5 this semester and the fall 08 semester.
5. Eat healthier
6. Limit my coffee intake
7. Stop stressing out so much
8. Forgive people wholly
9. allow myself to love

that's all for now :)
but the main one is no more soft drinks and closely following is my grades!

i can't believe it's already 2008. it seems like 2007 flew by. so much has happened.. so much has changed. but i am so excited to welcome in a new year with new opportunities and new possibilities.

i am spending my whole day watching the one tree hill serial bowl marathon :) talk about a perfect day!

Happy New Years, everyone! and Happy Birthday to my beautiful friend, Mary Catherine!

i know... i'm lame.

2007-12-31T09:23:00.000-08:00

8 Things I'm Passionate About:
1. Jesus
2. friends
3. family
4. high school students
5. sharing Jesus with high school students
6. Zeta Tau Alpha
7. TOMS Shoes
8. To Write Love on Her Arms

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. get married
2. graduate college
3. go to brazil
4. go to greece
5. go all over europe
6. make a change
7. forgive certain people
8. learn to play guitar

8 Things I Say Often:
1. Duh!
2. Absolutely.. that would be perfect!
3. You/That is/are OUTRAGEOUS!
4. aww... muffin!
5. Sweet tea/water with a little bowl of limes? (while forming my hand into a cup)
6. what the heck!
7. What are we doing for lunch/dinner?
8. I'm so stressed out!

8 Books I've Read Recently:
1. Songs of the Humpback Whale- Jodi Picoult
2. my prayer book that my big gave me
3. Bible
4. Biblical Perspectives textbook
5. Spanish textbook
6. Geography texbook
7. i think thats it!
8. ----

8 Songs I listen to Over and Over
1. Close Enough- Sean McConnell
2. When You Love Someone- Bryan Adams
3. The Best Thing- Relient K
4. Mr. Whoever You Are- Sean McConnell
5. 10 Hours- Warren Barfield
6. A Page Is Turned- Bebo Norman
7. Home- Michael Buble
8. Everything- Michael Buble

8 Things I've Learned This Year:
1. How to be loved
2. How to love myself
3. I have incredible friends and family
4. Sisterhood
5. My identity is in Christ
6. how to not stress out
7. how to study
8. that i can really enjoy school!

Happy New Year!

Christmas eve.

2007-12-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday = stellar.

Northpoint was so precious yesterday... they had little kiddies telling the Christmas story, and we sang worship songs and Christmas carols which i suppose are also worship songs. and it was just a really joyful service. I got to spend most of my day with Alyssa and her family, and i think the moments i spend with her are some of the most precious moments to me. i love getting to be a part of her life, be an example, someone she comes to, and someone that she sees as a big sister. and i just love the adam's fam anyway. and then "the fam" went to see lights at life university, to atlantic station, and back to alyssa and tanner's and watched tv. it was a fun day full of lots and lots of laughs.

i am feeling such a peace about my life. i am feeling confident about my decisions and things that once seemed hard, now seem to be easier. i am missing samford and so ready to go back to school. it's so hard because my life is there now, and it feels so foreign to be home. which is weird, because this used to be the place i felt most like myself, and now i feel somewhat disconnected from the world and the people that i have always known.

my heart has already undergone some major healing since i've been home. moreso than i ever have, i am finding satisfaction in Christ. it's like, a strange, yet familiar feeling. which makes sense, since i have had intimacy with Him before, but i guess i'd been lacking it for a while.

i am moving on with my life... things i thought i knew, i have no control over and there is no sense to worry. i'm moving on and i am choosing to let my heart go from things i should've let go of a long time ago. and i've come to the realization that whatever's going to happen, will. and that's like a kindergarten revelation, but it's something i've just now realized.

i feel really happy and really content with where and who i am. i'm loved by the people that matter... i am loved by Christ. and that is becoming enough. i am becoming enough to myself as well.

Merry Christmas everyone :)
if you're on facebook, check out mine and Alyssa's Christmas video. it's stellar.

i'm comin home to the place where i belong.. where your love has always been enough for me.

2007-12-19T20:41:00.001-08:00

coming home hasn't been what i hoped it'd be, but i guess it's what i should've expected.

things have changed, and there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do about it. i decided that i'm going to take this break to work hard, intensely seek Christ's guidance for my life, and try not to worry and stress about things that i have no control over. that seems to be something i have such a hard time doing and as hard as i try, most times i just cannot fully surrender my life over to Christ... i seem to run from Him in the process of attempting to control my life.

i have an issue of not loving myself and it's something i really need to work on. i am always outgoing and saying hello to everyone and the loud one. but a lot of times, that stems from insecurity. and you'd probably never know it. it's really hard being stability to so many people, and in the end, i feel so honored and loved by being that to others, but it is so exhausting and it really breaks me down at times. i feel like the things i do are held under a magnifying glass... and that my mistakes are sometimes seen as far worse as others. i'm constantly repremanded and having to apologize for things that i shouldn't have to apologize for, and made to feel worthless when i am clearly not. when people have such a conditional love for you, it makes it really hard to love yourself. and that goes for everyone. and while i used to find my worth in Christ, i've also found it in other ways... and i've really lost my way with Christ. i've been humbled.. i have really seen how small i am without Christ. i have started to dislike myself, though. even moreso than i used to. but i guess part of the process is being so grateful for God's grace and seeing how you really are NOTHING without Him. and how the only good that we have in us comes from Him.

i am always worrying about never finding love, and never finding someone who can put up with me. because let's just face it, i'm hard to handle. but i shouldn't even be worrying about that. i think though, that being in college, dating is a lot more serious. you're not dating just to date. you're dating to find the person that you're going to marry. this is so scary to me. all the time i dream about my wedding day and how lovely i think being married will be... but it actually scares me to death. because i am so scared of my husband falling out of love with me one day. and i am scared of vulnerability. i am scared to death to let someone know me for me and get close to me. i am terrified of commitment. i am scared of not being enough for someone, or maybe someone not being enough for me, as terrible as that sounds.

oh life. so many things are always going through my head... scary things, things that worry me, things that stress me out. and i know that none of that comes from Christ. that those are all evil things coming from Satan... doubt, condemnation, fear, pain... and that none of that has control over me if i don't allow it to.

so this is my statement to no longer let those things reign over my life. i refuse to let it happen any longer. it has robbed me of so much joy and happiness...

i love love love Christmastime. and it is finally the year where i really see Christmas for what it is, as i tend to forget every year.

blessings, blessings, blessings.

2007-12-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

I am in the library... procrastinating.
I cannot stay focused for too long, but I have done my fair share of studying these past few days...

Life is going beautifully. I cannot wait to come home, but I know I am going to miss Samford.

Good luck to everyone on your finals :)

CHRISTmas time.

2007-12-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

soooo today during our Christmas convo, this girl was talking about the Christmases that she spent in Nicaragua as a child... and how they didn't celebrate with gifts, how materialism hadn't hit there like it had in the USA and how the main idea was the gift of Jesus Christ.. and it really hit me that i definitely don't even think about that a majority of the time.

the best gift we could imagine.. Jesus Christ dying on the cross, a terrible death, and the greatest form of Love that we as humans will ever know.. and i am wrapped up in how i can't afford to buy anybody anything for Christmas this year, when it's not even about that. i felt terrible how i had completely ignored that, so i am going to try to keep that in mind this year.

on the other hand, this is my absolute favorite time of the whole year. I feel like everyone is in high spirits and there's a lot more joy than usual. even here at samford, where all we do is study and this week and next week with finals is stressing everyone out to the extreme, i can sense a heightened sense of joy and it is really a nice change. i love the music and the change in weather (it is like PERFECT here in birmingham) and this is silly, but all the holiday drinks at ohenrys and starbucks, and i really cannot wait to go home to my friends and fam :)

i am really sick and have been for 2 weeks and i am trying to not let it get me down.. BUT life is so good and i am so happy to be here at samford... but i cannot wait to go back home to my best friends, esp krissy since i haven't seen her in 3 months!

everything's right and it is such a good feeling!

good luck to all of you people slaving away on finals this week!

2007-11-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

my heart is so confused...

like seriously.

but on the other hand, my life is beautiful. even with the crap, it's still a beautiful life.
i just wish we knew what we want (including me) and that we could stick with it.

i am loving my zeta sisters so hard right now. i mean i always do :) but especially right now. this has been a really special week for us, growing as sisters and getting to know each other more intimately. i've absolutely loved it.

one more week of classes and then we have finals. this = AMAZING.
i am moving into the zeta house in the 13th of dec! and i am so excited.. my new roomie is tori hildebrand and we have an absolutely blast together! i just cannot wait! i am sad to leave alexandra, lindley, and maggie, but i know that this is going to be a really exciting experience for me.

i am excited to be home for a month and a half. i am going to be working back at the daily grind while i'm home and i could not be more excited to work! i really miss that place. and that means i'll also get to stay with holly and meredith a lot, and i always love that.

KRISSY IS COMING HOME! On Dec 8th! and I am picking her up from the airport... i am going to bawl my eyes out when i see her and it's going to be an absolutely glorious reunion!!

Nothing really interesting is going on... I have started writing a lot more, and I am truly happy.

Keep all us Samford kids in your prayers as our finals week is pure HELL. which i'm sure all of yours is too...

blessings and love :)

2007-11-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

oh life. just when everything's jumbled, i find clarity.
i am so encouraged, yet so completely in the dark, yet feel so completely sure as to where i am headed.
i am in the center of God's will for my life.

i am learning to love myself...

...but then i woke up.

2007-11-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

life sometimes feel like a dream. i always wish i could wake up and have a do-over. i sometimes feel like i'm going to wake up and snap out of something and it will have never occurred... and life would just keep on moving.

i'm learning a lot lately.

i'm just trying to live my life... no pressures. i am stressed out ALL THE TIME. like my friend jonathan said that he has never seen a joyful, stress free malloree. which makes me so sad, because i have always been that!

the other night at new member meeting, we were supposed to answer to the attendance roll with something we were good at, and i asked one of my precious friends and they said, "encouragement." so i said that... and everyone in the room agreed and said that they thought that about me. and that just really blessed my heart. i hope i am some source of encouragement to someone.

i can't wait to get out of college, start my life, be married, and have a family. and i mean that. i wish that i could fast forward to like 10 years. i don't want to be afraid to fall in love, but i am so scared to be that vulnerable to someone. i am so scared to mean that much to someone, or for them to mean that much to me. i am so scared of having to put so much into something and to someone, and letting them know me so well that they have the power to build me up or to destroy me.

but i HAVE to work on this. but doing this involves loving myself, and i just don't know how to do that. i have such a hard time accepting Christ's love for me, and even that i don't think that i accept that sometimes.

today i had a lot of joy. and i loved it.
i miss home. i miss my girls so much. i miss 722. i miss the daily grind. i miss family night. i miss sonic nights after fbcw. i miss mentoring my girls. i miss the easiness of kennesaw. i miss krissy. i miss holly. i miss the fab five. i miss nathan. i miss brink. i miss alyssa. i miss amber and justin and stacey.

but everytime i get discouraged, i feel a peace and i feel a comfort. and just like God giving me the reassurance that i am where i need to be, i am a work in progress and that He is not finished with me, to not worry and to just cast all my fears and cares on Him because He cares for me.

if you're reading this, would you just say a little prayer that i learn to accept God's love over me? and that i can share it with others.

thanks.
much much love.

bliss.

2007-11-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

so it has been a long time since i last blogged...

i am not lacking inspiration, but i want what i write to mean something to someone. i just feel as though i'm not doing that, because my writing isn't even helping me anymore. writing used to be an escape, a therapy, and healing process for me. and i think by worrying about what others think about what i write has started to make it about them and not about what i am feeling, because sometimes i am ashamed of my thoughts. so in hopes that what i truly feel will change someone's life...

...this my attempt. i'm starting fresh. here we go!

i'm having an identity crisis. i am having to re-evaluate everything that i have always thought i knew about myself. i am starting to see the thing about myself that make people dislike me at times, and even make me dislike who i am. i'm funny, but at what expense? i'm jealous. it hurts my heart. i am angry because i let love slip away. i'm angry at God because most of the time i don't understand what the heck He is doing and i'm too stubborn to go along. i'm also angry at Him sometimes for leaving me this way. because i didn't have an extraordinary life change when i became a Christian, and maybe it's because i'm scared and hold back. i really have a genuine dislike for some people and it bothers me, because i've never been that way. i am constantly second guessing myself, wishing i was someone else, and hating my indecisiveness, my randomosity, my mood changes, and just everything about my life. i doubt my capacity to love and to love unconditionally. i'm scared that i'll fall out of love with my husband one day. and not because of him, but because i don't love myself enough to think that someone should love me for the rest of their life. nada surf says it best, "to find someone you love, you've got to be someone you love." and i guess i just need a little help in that department. i guess i just wish i could have a "do-over" when God created me. i feel like He could've made me better, different, more graceful, quieter, more passionate, meeker... but then i wouldn't be me. but what if i felt that's ok? that i don't like me. that i wouldn't mind being someone else. i have feelings sometimes that i am so ashamed of. and i hate that.

i also miss home. more than i'll admit. i miss my girlfriends. i miss one certain person. and i miss my best friend in california. i have tied my stability to them for the time that i've known them... and now that we're apart, we all kinda fizzled out. last night, being home, with my girls, felt so right. it was just as if everything in the world was as it should be. i cried. right there where i was standing. i cried for what i lost, what i've gained, what i've done, and what i feel. is it wrong to be ashamed of what you feel? i'm just not sure.

how would you feel... to love someone so much your heart aches. but to never be able to tell them how you feel, so you have to love them from a distance? it's actually quite beautiful really.. kinda tragic. but one day, all will be well.

i'm exhausted. i'm going to bed.
i'm going to start blogging more frequently.

all will be well.. if you ask me how, only time will tell.

you change me.

2007-08-03T22:49:00.001-07:00

So it's been a long time since I have written a blog to the public :)

I am about to close one season of my life in around 2.5 weeks, and start what I think is going to be the most exciting and fruitful season and journey of my life. I am moving to Samford on August 25th... and I couldn't be more excited and more ready for the challenge. A few months ago, I got cold feet. I started to second guess what I knew God was leading me to. I feel like I do that a lot. I know what He wants me to do and what He has been telling me, but I am too stubborn and want to change the world and travel. and He's telling me to wait, that I am not ready for that yet. So I've known that since about May or so. So the last few months, I wish I could say have been preparing me for the fall and the rest of the school year.. but they haven't. I have been very inconsistent with spending time with Jesus. I'll do really well, then I'll get burned out and stop. I have almost become scared of Him... I know we are supposed to fear God, but I feel like I've been scared of Him because I haven't been spending time with Him. Like He wouldn't love me, eventhough I know He does. I asked Brian tonight, I'm sure others ask this all the time... "Do you wonder how God loves us so much when we're such screw ups?" It's like I can't even wrap my mind around how someone could love me as much as I know God does. I know He loves me, but I can't understand it, and I cannot comprehend it. So, I've been just kinda goin with the flow... taking each day as it comes. I moved home from KSU, except my mom moved to Alpharetta, so now that is "home." Holly is living with us until mid-August and it has been absolutely amazing having her here. I've been lucky to have had my best friend since I was 12 :o)

I have an absolutely amazing guy in my life.. his name is Brian Carl and I am absolutely head over heels for him. Before, I've dated guys who are "believers" and what not. But Brian has challenged me in my faith so much. He has totally been a tangible example of the love of Christ in my life. He is incredible and unlike anyone I've ever met. He talks about Jesus like they are best friends... like he knows Him so well. and He does. I love him, I love him, I love him! Other than being an amazing man of God, he plays guitar with Six Piece Suit (all of my sweet guy friends are in this band) and he is not bad to look at ;) So yes.. I love Brian a lot.

So I guess I am struggling with God's existance. I am such a tangible person... I need to see and touch something. I know that is where faith comes in with my relationship with Christ, but sometimes it is so hard for me to trust and believe in something that I cannot see or touch. I have witnessed His presence and grace in my life countless times... and I feel like I know some of His will for my life... but at the same time, I just struggle with knowing if what I'm doing is what He wants me to do when I can't get a direct answer. I need to hear from Him. Do you ever wish that God used an audible voice? I sure do. I wish it everyday.. that He'd just tell me that I'm in the center of His will for my life. I don't feel an uneasiness about where I am, so I guess I'm doing alright.

If anyone read my "Sunshine" blog... that was God's way of speaking to me I guess. and I am so so thrilled to say, that every single day, something "sunshine" is displayed to me. Whether it be the word Sunshine on the side of a van, or a big poster in Hobby Lobby, a text message from a sweet friend, or just something random.. He does constantly remind me that "Sunshine" is how He views me.. and it's a nice thing to be reminded of when you constantly feel like you're failing.

I'm struggling to view myself the way He sees me... I think that's always been my struggle. I've lost a lot of emotion too, I'm gaining it back slowly but surely as He's creeping His way back into my heart. I know God is preparing my heart for missions ONE DAY.. but as far as the here and now is concerned, I am heading to school.. preparing for missions, preparing for the real world, and ready to start this new, exciting season of my life.

Life is blissful. I am incredibly blessed. I am totally in love. I am having the time of my life with my dearest friends. I am being pursued by Christ. I am trying to find satisfaction in that.

romancing me.

2007-04-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Jesus has been romancing my heart. HARDCORE. pursuing me passionately. fighting for me fiercely.

Yesterday, i went to a field and just spent some time with Him. I turned my ipod on Phil Wickham and just danced in the field. At first i was kind of scared, because there would be some random people at times... but i don't want a faith like that. i want a bold faith. so i fell to my knees... and i prayed for a child like faith.

and then i danced. i danced the chains off my feet. i danced for freedom. i danced for passion. i danced for the cleansing of sins. i danced because He's worth it. i danced for those who can't dance.. those who aren't free. i danced because at the moment, there was no one i loved more in the world than Him.

yesterday, I fell in love with Jesus.

as i started to walk off, i felt Him telling me to stay, that He wasn't done with me yet. so i stayed to watch the sunset, read "deep unto deep" and "praise habit" and just cried. i cried and cried and just couldn't believe.

i have NEVER been in a situation like this... i could see God in EVERYTHING. i mean, i was in awe. my heart been in such a weird place lately, i've not felt faught for, pursued, wanted.. and all that is just stupid, bc i am all of those things. but it was like God saying to me, "Malloree, my precious girl, my Sunshine.. look at all of this that I created to show you that I love you. You are worth it. You are new. You are radiant. and I, the Creator of every living thing, the perfect Father, the dweller of your heart, love YOU more than you will ever know. I am fighting passionately for your heart. Don't be weary, beloved... I have your heart in my hands." LIKE! HELLO!!!!

GOD IS SO JUST.... AH. no words. just want to cry.

He is so so so so so good. I love being free.

Sunshine

2007-04-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

life is just...

blissful. i am loved. i am loving.. harder than i ever have. i am seeking. i am finding. i am healing. i am broken. i am outspoken. i am at a loss for words. i am in awe. i am in wonder. i am in love with Jesus. i am learning to love myself. i am selfish. i am patient. i am stubborn. i am learning to be kind. i am passionate. i am learning to trust. i am faithful. i am doubtful. i am making a joyful noise. i am being pursued. i am being fought for. i am fighting. i am sunshine. i am free!

it's amazing to me how amazing life can be sometimes...

today i suffered from my own personal disease called, "rainy day syndrome." and then to find that i have people fighting for my heart daily.. especially on days like today. to have such amazing friends, friends that most people never find. it's an encouragement. my sweet Jesus... ahhh my precious Jesus. i just never am let down by Him. He is faithful and is pursuing my heart like crazy.

i just want to jump out of my skin and dance around!!

SAMFORD.

2007-03-28T07:36:00.001-07:00

I'M GOING TO SAMFORD, I'M GOING TO SAMFORD!!!

GOD IS SO SO SO FAITHFUL TO ME, EVEN IN MY DOUBT.

Favorite Song at the moment.

2007-03-22T09:22:00.001-07:00

There's ten hours between us tonight
And I feel like my heart will break
Cause it's been way too long
Since I've last seen your face
What I'd give if you were here with me now
And I was lost in your touch
If I know my heart
There's nothing I've ever wanted so much

But to love you
Just to love you
It's all I wanna do

There's ten hours between us tonight
And I feel like I could die
But all the pain would just
Go away if I could look in your eyes

And love you
Just love you
It's all I wanna do

Cause I know you're the one
That I've been praying for
I could love you for a thousand years
And wish for a thousand more

There's ten hours between us tonight
But tonight can only last so long
By twelve o'clock tomorrow baby
You'll be here in my arms

And I'll hold you close to my heart
And I pray you feel my love
Until that day when time or space
Will never again separate us

And I'll love you
Oh, I'll love you
It's all I'll ever do
Cause I know you're the one
It just feels so right
Would it be ok with you
If I loved you for the rest of my life

-Warren Barfield "10 Hours"
pretty much the best love song of your life.

Life is looking up.. Thanks to precious Jesus, who is loving me so hard and once again pushing away all my doubt and being faithful, my sweet sweet Mary Catherine, who is my new prayer warrior buddy.. and who completes my heart. and Nathan.. where in the world would I be without Nathan? And Mallory Watson, my sweet friend. Who encourages my heart more than she knows. and of course, my best friends in the world, Amber and Holly.

I'm being pursued and I feel it.

Desperation.

2007-03-21T08:31:00.001-07:00

I am absolutely desperate for God's presence in my life... I am so sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach where I doubt who He is. HOW CAN I DOUBT WHO HE IS? He is God, the all-knowing God. Who spoke the universe into existance. Who knew I would write this before I even did. Who knows what I'm going to do 60 years and 2 days from now. I mean.. seriously. Who am I? Who the crap am I? No one compared to the glory of Jesus Christ. So why in the world am I such a selfish, stubborn doubter of Him?

I think part of my problem.. is that I mistake God for coincidence. When something cool or good happens, I'm like oh cool. Not, "wow how awesome is Jesus right now." actually, I do say that a lot too.. but do I mean that? I'm struggling with what I believe. Is that really what I believe? Do I believe this because my parents taught this to me, and this is what I've been raised to believe? Or do I believe this because this is what I truly believe? My beliefs. What are they?

If you're reading this, could you do me a quick favor and either say a small prayer to God RIGHT NOW. or remember to do it later. Because it's serious. God and I are at DTR in our relationship.

I'm really sick of this feeling and have NO idea what to do about it.

Bored...

2007-03-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

So basically, I am bored with my life right now.

Everything feels so routined, so planned out. I'm dying for adventure. I want to be spontaneous. Me and my good friend, Mallory, were talking about just taking a day road trip. or for the weekend. There's something soothing about just being in the car, windows down, sunroodf down, hair blowing, singing loudly.. it's like, there's no room for worries. I'm so over worrying.. being antsy. I wish I could just stop analyzing everything.

I am bored with God. I know I am on the brink of something HUGE. Like, I feel it.. but I'm like, "Okay Lord, come on!" I'm getting bored waiting and watching and listening. I'm also extremely tired in my HPS class right now, so everything I may write could come out as a complete negative exaggeration.

I have absolutely no motivation with school right now. I'm so over KSU and just want this semester and math class to be DONE. I'm ready to be either at Samford, or interning or serving in a mission field. I'm just over all of it.

Anyone else ever get restless with life? Especially with their relationship with Jesus? Admit it.. you do. So please talk to me about it, because I'm pretty restless. Not to mention, exhausted because I've been up since 4:45.

Tonight is 722. My car ride with Mary Catherine is going to be the biggest blessing of my entire week. She does my heart some kind of good. and I absolutely adore her in my life! And 722 and chili's with all our friends is AMAZING.

I'm out. Peace.

Are we half asleep or fully alive?

2007-03-18T08:19:00.001-07:00

I forget how much more wonderful my days are when I start them off with Jesus time, rather than with turning on my computer and facebooking until I have to go to class or to work. I've been reading the book of Psalms lately, I want to read all of it by the end of the month. I love David's songs to Jesus, sometimes how desperate he was for God to just reach down and touch him and give him some comfort, but God didn't, not right away. But David kept on pursuing Jesus, kept on seeking, kept on thirsting for His word, and in the end, the Lord remained faithful, as He always does.

Why can't we just do that? All I ever want is answers. I want God to show me things NOW. Reveal how my life is going to be NOW. God give me everything NOW. And all He is wanting me to do is continue to seek, thirst, learn, trust, and wait. And He will remain faithful and once again prove Himself to be sovereign. Now, if only trusting Him was a little easier.

Ohhhhh life. I'm reading "Waking the Dead," and I seriously encourage everyone to read this book. It's about how we've lost our hearts, how the world has told us to stop listening to our hearts, and how the heart is the central dwelling place of Jesus. If that's true, and we've lost heart, imagine how hard it is for us to hang on to God's promise. Do we really believe it? So, saying that, this book has stretched my spirit and my heart, and I'm ridding my heart of all the crap that was in it before, and giving my heart back to Jesus. It's about being fully alive. So many times I feel like my life is just going through the motions, never going anywhere, and pointless. There are times where I've just wanted God to wake me up from what feels like a bad dream, and it never happens. I want to be fully alive. Not half asleep in this world. I want to be passionate. I want to be bold. I want to be radiant. I want Jesus to be screaming through me. I want to impact, change, inspire. All for His glory.

Prayer is once again always appreciated.

Struggling.

2007-03-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with enjoying God's presence in my life.
and with trusting Him.
and with being completely satisfied in Him and Him alone.

basically...

it stinks and I need prayer.

That's all.

joy.

2007-03-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

ahhh JESUS IS SO COOL.

I am falling more and more in love with Him as the days pass.

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

YES!!!!!

oh life.

2007-02-25T18:21:00.001-08:00

all i really want to do is pursue Jesus in every area of my life.

and i mean that.

the weekend was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

I love my life.

my soul now to stand..

2007-02-22T21:56:00.000-08:00

God has once again proved Himself to be so incredibly faithful in every aspect of my life. Why do I doubt? I have been so aware of His hand guiding me in my life lately.. actually taken time everyday to notice what He's doing. prayerfully considering everything, and just thanking Him for the little things. These past couple days have just been absolutely gorgeous... and because of my rediculously busy schedule, I haven't been able to spend time outside enjoying them. I'd love to have sat outside and written in my journal today... probably would've been something deep, things I don't usually write. I really am enjoying life right now. School stinks. Work is fun.. hard work, but fun. My friends and family are awesome. and Jesus is always faithful. Things aren't perfect in my life, I'm still struggling daily. I'm believing in prayer more and more everyday. My heart is healing so much... everyday a little more. I really feel like I'm falling in love with Jesus. I'm getting my inspiration back to start writing again.. which makes me so excited. That's how I'm like Jesus, I'm creative. He's the Creator. Nathan is going to teach me how to play guitar, so I can put some of my stuff to music. My voice stinks, but the Lord doesn't care, haha. Thanks! I just want to shout out to the entire world how SOVEREIGN MY JESUS IS!!! HOW AMAZING AND HOW FAITHFUL AND HOW PERFECT HIS LOVE... Gosh. I need prayer... and money. to go to the school where I know God's calling me. He'll provide, I know it.

Jesus I believe in You and I would go to the ends of the earth.

First Entry!

2007-02-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I have one of these.. but I saw it on another one of my friends, and it looked fun. I think I like somewhere where I can just write, anything that I want.

I'm exhausted.. I've slept like, 11 hours in 3 days. I had an incredible weekend with Northstar's student ministry! We went to Thrive (their name for disciple now) and I lead the group of 9th grade girls.. it was awesome, we had an amazing time. The whole weekend was based on sexual purity, and as awesome as it was for the students, it was so good for my heart to hear it. Purity in anything, not just sexual, is just something I really struggle with and probably always will. That's the spot where satan hits me over and over and I am easily tempted. It was fun to hang out with the girls, answer their questions, and just get to be silly and act like girls. I feel like we as young women, or even young girls for that matter, are always like looked down upon if we're pretty and want to dress cute and put a little makeup on. LADIES- IF YOU'RE READING THIS... There's nothing wrong with wanting to look cute, doing your hair, doing your nails, and putting on a hott pair of shoes. UNLESS, it becomes your identity. I think so many people take pride in the fact that they don't wear makeup and are all "natural" and that's awesome. I look the same with makeup as I do without, but on most days, I wear it.. it makes me feel better. I don't like to look all "homey" looking. Call me crazy, but I don't care. Girls, don't compromise, k?

....what I chase won't set me free.
I'll leave on that note.

Be blessed!